Nearly all the posts are bilingual.
Presque tous les articles sont bilingues.

English spoken. On parle français. (وكمان منفهم عربي، حبيبي)

Most of this blog's contents is subject to copyright. For instance, many of the latest illustrations I've made myself. I'm the cooperative type. If you intend to borrow some material, please contact me by leaving a comment. :-)
La plupart du contenu de ce blog est soumis aux droits d'auteurs. Par exemple, nombre des illustrations les plus récentes sont faites par moi. Je suis du genre coulant. Si vous comptez emprunter du contenu, SVP contactez-moi en laissant un commentaire. :-)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Pseudo-science

Okay, stop me if the following sounds familiar to you. It is a most serious theory which I founded after reading an umpteenth article about a "new miracle medical method", which of course explains that practically all official scientists are nothing but a herd of jack-asses. Here's that marvel of wisdom:
"Windows is zeroes and ones in binary base, and with a few billion microscopic flipping coins, I plan to correct all of its bugs using a mathematical algorithm extrapolated from the Biblical Kabbala through a trigonometric conversion indexed on the 99 True Names of Allah, which correspond in three groups of 33 with the quantum theory of Chromodynamic Super-Symmetry (which earned Einstein the Nobel Prize in 2001). This should solve the sub-prime crisis at the level of the worldwide banking computers network, by restoring the positive waves because the internet is the geometric virtual equivalent of a crystal vibrating in harmony with the minds of all Humankind."
Or, in brief: beware of any "scientific" speech which sounds very familiar but which you're unable to clearly understand. All the con men use the same trick. Including the politicians...
The difference with me, is that I declare I'm conning, which automatically makes it connery no more. If I warn you that I'm lying, I become truthful, see? And ahoy mateys!

OK, arrêtez-moi si ce qui suit vous semble familier. C'est une théorie extrêmement sérieuse que j'ai fondée après avoir lu un énième article sur une "nouvelle méthode médicale miracle", qui bien entendu explique que pratiquement tous les scientifiques officiels ne sont qu'un troupeau d'ânes bâtés. Voici la merveille de sagesse:
"Windows, c'est des zéros et des uns en base binaire, et avec quelques milliards de pièces de monnaie microscopiques jouant à pile ou face, je compte rectifier tous ses bogues grâce à un algorithme mathématique extrapolé de la Kabbale biblique par une conversion trigonométrique indexée sur les 99 Vrais Noms d'Allah, que l'on retrouve en trois groupes de 33 dans la théorie quantique de la Super-Symétrie Chromodynamique (qui a valu le prix Nobel à Einstein en 2001). Ceci devrait résoudre la crise des sub-primes au niveau du réseau mondial des ordinateurs bancaires, en rétablissant les ondes positives car l'internet est l'équivalent géométrique virtuel d'un cristal résonant avec la pensée de toute l'Humanité."
Ou, pour résumer: méfiez-vous de tout discours "scientifique" qui semble très familier mais que vous n'arrivez pas bien à comprendre. Tous les charlatans utilisent le même truc. Y compris les politiciens...
La différence, c'est que moi je déclare que je fais du charlatanisme, ce qui automatiquement cesse d'en être. Si je préviens que je vous mens, je deviens sincère. Et vogue la galère!

7 comments:

Joe Dick said...

I guess knowing Einstein's birth and death dates would help you on that one, though.

This kind of thing even when found out probably reinforces the idea a lot of people have that some areas of science like theoretical physics are useless and just a lot of nonsense which doesn't mean anything. I've heard people say that. Of course, it was the South, so what do you expect?

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

I would expect a spontaneous inversion of polarity under a positive energy field. Well, d'uh!

(In lay man's terms: I'd hope that some surrounding knowledge would suddenly turn people smart. ;-)

Alex said...

I don't think windows is zeros and ones. I believe the problem is that they are approximations to zeros and ones, and there are times between when the state is unknown.

You must surely agree that when you switch from a low to a high you must necessarily pass through an area of between a one and a zero.

Of course we mostly ignore this time, and on look a thin vertical slices of time, just after a clock edge, so we see ones an zeros.

The other consideration is that the typical "one" is above 70% of the level needed to be a "one", and a "zero" is below 30% of a "one".

I guess you are flipping coins on a sandy beach, or maybe a thick pile carpet. Yes, we agree that is a head, and that is a tail, or obverse and reverse if you coinage has no head or no tail. However, it that coin laying flat? No, it is sloped, it is biased slightly of true, it did not achieve an ultimate head, or an ultimate tail, but a close enough approximation.

Somedays that coin lands edgewise in the sand, or falls down the drain. Much as noise may get on a bus and flip a bit, or a cosmic ray erases some RAM.

I have only got to the second comma of your theory, and already am having too much fun in the rebuttal.

I think you will find that bugs can also be recategorized as features, or errata. This means they are no longer a bug per se, just a feature of the software that is to be accommodated.

I also like how charlatan is French for liar, now I understand more of my native tongue.

Alex

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

Ooookaaaay, time for my first fatwa already.
I hereby decree that any sincere believer of Mine has the holy duty to take apart Lego Man's head from its plastic body at the first given occasion. Discuss My magnificent infallibility, will you?
}:-(>
Besides, there's no intermediate stage between zero and one in the Tunnel effect, every geek knows that! Now you see it, now you don't, it's magic, believe and don't ask questions, got that?
I'll grant you that there are far more zeroes than wons in Windows. Because I'm in a generous mood... Now kiss my flabby, jewel-heavy hand to display your respect, admiration, and relief for the unexpected amnesty. Oh, and somebody bring me another dozen candied watermelons. [Snaps fingers. Which makes quite a repulsive sound of flapping fat.]

I always flip my coins over a giant magnetic surface. That way I'm sure there won't be any "lying ALMOST flat".
See? I have an answer for everything! That's why I'm the glorious guru and you are but a humble hopeless heathen of huge unworthiness. But don't be sad, you can find solace in admiring my holy radiance. From a distance, please. (Guards?... Somebody measure to check if he's worshiping from far enough.)
BURRRP! (Excuse myself.) Hello? Another roasted buffalo over here, thank you. And a couple of those cute little whale ribs.

"I think you will find that bugs can also be recategorized as features, or errata."
Ah, I have achieved ultimoose... I mean, ultimate enlightenment and serenity. Nothing can BUG me. Now quit questioning every comma I say, already!
Sheesh, youngsters these days. No respect! Somebody RAM him outta here already, yes? And where are those patties of nightingale tongues I asked for?
Aah, the wine of virgins tears in Edelweiss honey has arrived.

"French for liar"? Hold on, Chuck! Charles attends!

Alex said...

A Fatwa will exile me in your pathetic little corner of surreality, but in the "enlightened Western world" it will help my book sales enormously.

Thanks ;-)

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

"Ooh, I *HATE* that rabbit!"
=]8{

(Very interested) You made a new book? What is it, the Sabbatic Verses? The Satanic Nurses, BDSM style?
Can I have a signed copy for your best enemy, pretty pleaaaaase?
I think I earned it, what with all the free advertising and worldwide media coverage. You just can't buy such excellent exposure, you know...

Alex said...

No BDSM. e-mail me and I'll point you to my "collected works" on iVillages "fantasy" board.

odonnell.alex at gmail.com

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