Nearly all the posts are bilingual.
Presque tous les articles sont bilingues.

English spoken. On parle français. (وكمان منفهم عربي، حبيبي)

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La plupart du contenu de ce blog est soumis aux droits d'auteurs. Par exemple, nombre des illustrations les plus récentes sont faites par moi. Je suis du genre coulant. Si vous comptez emprunter du contenu, SVP contactez-moi en laissant un commentaire. :-)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Islamic news flashes

"Three young brazilian jews taken hostage by a Kuwaiti in Warsaw."
He declared he had explosives and threatened to blow them up. In the end the police soon freed them.
But what's with Kuwaitis and explosives, these days? Are the blazing prices of oil getting them all heated up?
Already, in Poland, there are less remaining Jews than Schindler did save with his famous list... You really have to search for them. And brazilians, too? What's the type of a brazilian jew? Semite, carioca, macarena? I haven't got a clue how to spot them.
The guy could've gone to Israel, it's closer to home for him and there's a far wider choice.
To think the young men, aged 16, had come for the commemoration of the Auschwitz-Birkenau massacres, and they almost got exterminated for real. Some dates really bring bad luck.
The police spokesman, who incidentally happens to be named Szyndler, stated that "the man was under the influence of alcohol". Really, this whole affair isn't very islamically correct!

"Pakistan : a taliban chief gives men two months to grow a beard."
Even the effeminate ones, sweetheart?
This capillary meddling feels a bit like splitting hairs. What, does he also want to check the fur content of my briefs?
Ah well, considering how often I make myself handsome these days, all I have to do is skip a couple of shaves, and I should be to the taste of this handsome and virile manly guy...
By the way, I'd love it if somebody could quote me the passage in the Quran where the Prophet specifically prohibited cinema movies, football and nail polish. Because I've scoured the whole internet, including the religious sites in arabic, to no avail. Same for the suicide-bombings (pardon me: "martyr-bombings") using explosives. It's as if all-knowing Allah had forgotten to predict the inventions by Alfred Nobel and the Lumière brothers.
Same way that Jesus, in a moment of forgetfulness, omitted to explicitly mention contraception, condoms, and the raping of altar boys. (While I mention it, a message to Mary Magdalene: you can take advantage of my body whenever you want, honey!)

But enough high spirituality already, I have a session of transcendental levitation awaiting me. I'm coming, oh Swami Stainlesstimbalovsodah!
What, there's no lift to the top of the ivory tower?

------------------------------------

"Trois jeunes juifs brésiliens pris en otages par un Koweïtien à Varsovie."
Il a déclaré qu’il était muni d’explosifs et a menacé de les faire exploser. Finalement la police les a vite libérés.
Mais qu'est-ce qu'ils ont, les Koweïtiens avec les explosifs, en ce moment? C'est la flambée des cours du pétrole, qui leur échauffe l'esprit?
Déjà qu'en Pologne, il reste moins de Juifs que Schindler n'en a sauvés avec sa fameuse liste... Il faut bien chercher pour en trouver. Et des brésiliens, en plus? Ça a quel type, un juif brésilien? Sémite, carioca, macarena? Je n'ai aucune idée comment on les repère, moi.
Le mec aurait pu aller en Israël, c'est plus près de chez lui et il y a bien davantage de choix.
Dire que les jeunes, de 16 ans, étaient venus pour la commémoration des massacres d’Auschwitz-Birkenau, et ils ont failli se faire exterminer pour de vrai. Il y a vraiment des dates qui ne portent pas chance.
Le porte-parole de la police, qui justement s'appelle Szyndler, a déclaré que "l’homme était sous l’emprise de l’alcool". C'est pas très islamiquement correct, toute cette histoire!

"Pakistan : un chef taliban donne aux hommes deux mois pour se faire pousser la barbe."
Même les efféminés, mon chou?
C'est un peu tiré par les cheveux, cette ingérence capillaire. Il ne veut pas vérifier aussi le contenu en fourrure de mon slip?
Enfin, compte tenu de la fréquence à laquelle je me fais beau ces temps-ci, il suffit que je saute deux rasages, et je devrais être au goût de ce bel homme bien mâle et viril...
Au passage, j'aimerais bien qu'on me cite le passage du Coran où le Prophète a spécifiquement interdit les films de cinéma, le football et le vernis à ongles. Parce que j'ai écumé tout l'internet, y compris les sites religieux en arabe, en vain. Pareil pour les attaques-suicide (pardon: "attaques-martyre") à l'explosif. A croire qu'Allah dans Son omniscience avait oublié de prédire les inventions d'Alfred Nobel et des frères Lumière.
De même que Jésus, dans un moment de distraction, a omis de mentionner explicitement la contraception, les préservatifs, et le viol des enfants de chœur. (Tant que j'y suis, un message à Marie-Madeleine: tu peux abuser de mon corps quand tu veux, trésor!)

Mais assez de haute spiritualité, j'ai une séance de lévitation transcendentale qui m'attend, moi. J'arrive, ô Swami Stainlesstimbalovsodah!
Quoi, il n'y a pas d'ascenseur pour le sommet de la tour d'ivoire?

6 comments:

Joe Dick said...

By the way, I'd love it if somebody could quote me the passage in the Quran where the Prophet specifically prohibited cinema movies, football and nail polish. Because I've scoured the whole internet, including the religious sites in arabic, to no avail. Same for the suicide-bombings (pardon me: "martyr-bombings") using explosives.

It’s somewhere in the back. I think about page 900.

Same way that Jesus, in a moment of forgetfulness, omitted to explicitly mention contraception, condoms, and the raping of altar boys.

He got up there, slapped his forehead, and said “Damn! I knew I forgot something! Hey Dad, can I just pop back for a second…?”

You’re forgetting, though, something very convenient for Catholics. The Pope has God’s ear, and so anything the Pope comes out with is automatically good because it’s what God told him to say. It might be easier for him to just get off his cloud and come down and deliver these little nuggets himself, then we’d at least have a few less fat bastards eating all the pie.

At least I think that's how it works. Not being Catholic I'm too up on this stuff.

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

Page 900? Close, but no nargueeleh. Mine is precisely 894 pages, as Allah is my witness!
Guess the evil whispering djinns in the last verse did a sneaky edition cover-up to keep the honest believers in ignorance. Got a fuller version? A comic book adaptation? The movie's DVD?

“Damn! I knew I forgot something!“
This explains why his younger brother, Rhesus, tired of an eternity of heavenly bliss and fornication, returned to Earth according to the Book of Little Women, vol. 4. I'm telling you, man, this Messiah Jr. kicks butt!

"The Pope has God’s ear"
He's not the only one! You're forgetting "heroic brother Osama", for instance. Or "Honest George" in the White House. Or...
If you count the people claiming the same, and if you piously believe them all as is your duty, then God must have more ears than Astarte had breasts (a hundred, or 500, or a thousand, I forget). And she was the pagan goddess of fertility, that's telling!
If only God had those people's ear, too, so that THEY would hear HIM for a change...

"a few less fat bastards eating all the pie"
The American Pie, you mean? :-P
(Blink-blink, nudge-nudge.)

Incidentally, the previous Pope made an oficial apology for the attitude during WW2 of the institution which he represented. And also, I think, for the Spanish inquisition, when Jews begun to be, um... "soul-saved against their will".
Now, with a little bit of bloomin' luck, they'll make full apologies, compensations and take strict sanctions and preventive measures regarding inside pedophilia just in time before the next Apocalypse, scheduled for 2.666. If they hurry and shake a leg.

"Not being Catholic I'm too up on this stuff."
Please, PLEASE, *D*O*N*'*T* say the words "Catholic" and "up" in the same sentence! Have you no basic sense of caution, man? Might as well wiggle a sardine under my pussy cat's nose! "Look, but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, but don't swallow. Ahaha."
"This is madness, madness I tell you!"
- Phoebe

Johnnie Walker said...

If you count the people claiming the same, and if you piously believe them all as is your duty, then God must have more ears than Astarte had breasts (a hundred, or 500, or a thousand, I forget).

That beats the chick from Total Recall with the three knockers.

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

And what beautiful knockers they were. :-)

For some mysterious reason, I watched a rerun of that movie on some satellite channel (Showtime Movie Channel, I think?), and that very bit was nipped. But, luckily for the education of my children, none of the violence had been edited, phew! :-P

Joe Dick said...

That would be like in Revenge of the Nerds where Booger utters the immortal line "Bush! We've got bush!" but when I saw it on TV they didn't show that! They could show all the tits they wanted, but no bush. Odd, that.

...I saw that movie when I was about 8 years old. What a beautiful scene that was, when they made the panty raid on the Pie sorority. Ah... :-)

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

Very odd, because it doesn't fit with what *I* have been seeing on TV. Namely, on the prime time news, almost every day, I can see a pair of boobs, Bush and Dick, looking like world-class assholes.
I'm telling you, man, the media today have no shame. There might be children watching when this airs. Such an obscene sight popping up without warning between the Baghdad bloody body bits and the Burma burbling drowned might scar them for life.
And some days, they even show us a glimpse of a Condi, oh the horror!

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